Ninety percent of the time, you probably ignore any life hack you see online. Can you really turn an orange peel into a citrus-scented candle? (Actually, yes, you can.) Every now and again, though, you come across an incredibly simple solution to an everyday problem that actually (magically) works!

These hacks are the 90 percent. In fact, they’re so outlandish and impossible that, were you to actually try some of them, you just might end up in the hospital. Not all life hacks are created equal, after all.

Whether you’re short on cash or facing a common problem, these bizarre hacks won’t help at all—unless you need a laugh!

1. Meal prep: Boiling water every single time you want to make pasta is even worse than brushing your teeth every single night. So why not boil your water at the beginning of the week when you have some time, then freeze it for easy access later on? Oh, wait a minute…

2. Don’t smoke—sparkle: If you have friends or coworkers who smoke, you’ve likely felt left out when they take a quick break outside. Well, if you would just carry sparklers in your pocket, you wouldn’t need to feel left out any more. Just whip out your own flammable stick and ask your buddy for a light.

Ben S. / Flickr

3. Make eggs taste better: If you don’t like the taste of eggs, you’re missing out on a good source of protein and fat in your diet. To make them tastier, just mix a couple of eggs with two-and-a-half cups of flour, a cup of sugar, a cup of brown sugar, a teaspoon each of vanilla and salt, some baking soda, a stick of butter… and then bake it all at 350 degrees for half an hour? Voila!

4. Sleep in and save: Trying to save some money on meals? If you sleep until noon every day, you can skip out on breakfast and cut one-third of your grocery list at the same time. Try sleeping until 5 or 6 p.m., and you can forgo lunch, too. That’s seriously hacking life!

5. Jiffy Pop for safety: Smoke alarms are a pain in the butt when they obnoxiously beep at the worst times. As a replacement, try hanging a pan of Jiffy Pop in your kitchen. When the popcorn starts popping, you’ll know it’s time to evacuate. The best part? You’ll have plenty of popcorn to munch on as you watch your house and everything else you own burn to a pile of white-hot ash!

6. DIY bagel holder: Bagels are always slipping and sliding all over the place when you try to cut them. Whose idea was it to make food into a wheel? Luckily, the hole in the center was actually included in the original bagel to make it easier for you to keep in place while cutting! (Not really. Please don’t do this.)

7. Keep your hands full: If people are constantly asking you for help and you have a hard time saying no, just hold on to a couple of puppies and never let go of them. Not only do you get to partake in the joy that is an armful of adorable puppies, but you’ll have a ready-made excuse to pass on any unwanted opportunities to help your friend unpack his garage or paint the fence for your elderly neighbor. “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t drop these puppies.”

8. Never be alone again: Have you been feeling lonely lately? Well, if you fill a latex glove with hot water, it almost feels as if you’re holding a real human hand (but with none of the satisfaction). Go ahead… try it!

9. Snakebites for wrinkles: Wrinkles are common as you age, but if you’re desperate to get rid of them, there’s a simple way to do it: just let a rattlesnake bite you! Try reaching into riverside holes or crawling through swaths of tall grass and soon the skin on your hand will be as smooth—and inflamed—as ever.

10. Automatic diet drink: It happens to everyone: you mean to order Diet Coke and, horrifically, you order up a cup of the regular stuff—complete with all that unwanted sugar. Luckily, most lids have a built-in button you can press that will change your soda to diet!

11. Refraction FTW: The phones these days keep getting smaller and smaller, yet your eyes just keep getting worse and worse. Help yourself see your phone’s screen by simply dropping it into a glass of water for easy magnification!

12. Birth-nay: Every year there’s some birthday or special event that requires you to shell out some inordinate amount of cash on something that’s more than likely just going to get tossed into a pile and never touched again. Attack the problem at its root: no more birthdays.

13. “R” you ready: When you’re at a traffic light and the Corvette beside you starts revving its engine, don’t panic. Your slow hybrid isn’t as outmatched as you may think! Did you know there’s an “R” on your gear shift to put your car into “race mode?” Speed boost, here we come!

14. Wipers up: Parking where you’re supposed to can be really hard. “Don’t park in handicap spots,” “don’t park next to red curbs,” “don’t double park,” yadda, yadda, yadda. Save yourself the worry and just put your windshield wipers up. Parking enforcers won’t be able to leave you a ticket if they don’t have anything to stick it under!

15. Hack hazard: Don’t trust leaving your windshield wipers up? All right, all right, we get it. Still, there are effective ways to park wherever you want without any consequences. Take the hazard button, for instance. Every car comes equipped with one, and pressing it allows you to park wherever you want!

16. Here’s a tip: Leave negative tips! If you fill in a negative amount on the tip line of a restaurant bill, you can actually subtract your tip from the total cost of your meal. Go ahead, eat on your waiter’s dime. You’ve earned it, champ!

17. Ex-mas: When the holidays roll around, it’s easy to turn into a Scrooge when you see the dwindling money in your bank account. Revitalize your cash flow by alienating your family so that they don’t expect a single thing from you.

18. DIY-reless: Wireless headphones are all the rage, but man, they’re expensive! You know what isn’t expensive? A wire cutter—and you can use this simple tool to easily make any pair of headphones wireless.

19. Always have toothpaste on hand… literally: If you’ve ever looked at your toothpaste and wished it was a little more multi-purposed, there’s actually a simple trick that you can use to drive dentists crazy: use it as nail polish. When your breath gets rough throughout the day, just suck your thumb and voila—you have a fresh smile again!

20. Finance hack alert: Parents worry that strangers will pass out drugs to their kids when Halloween comes around, but truth be told, drugs are too expensive to waste on some after-school drama nightmare. If you see some, make sure to take them yourself—it’d be a poor financial decision not to.

21. Painting a house is like picking a spouse: you want to do it right the first time. So why use big gaudy brushes to get the job done? Next time you repaint your house, try using the finest brush possible. Show your house the TLC it deserves.

22. Orange you glad you know this: If you’re running low on orange juice, just tilt the carton towards you. You only have to tilt it a little bit to squeeze an entire extra cup out of a carton. This life hack (#FakeHack) also works with gasoline in your car. Try it out!

23. Green with envy: When ice is hard to come by, you shouldn’t have to settle for room-temperature water like some kind of medieval troglodyte. Head over to your freezer, dig out whatever frozen veggies you have, and drop ’em in your glass. Your water will be as cold (and green) as ever.

24. Phones are dirty: Think about it. Your phone spends all day in your pocket or purse, and how often can you say you wash yours? There’s a quick fix for that: toss it in the microwave for 30 seconds in the morning before work and all the germs coating it will die. Then you can watch your phone turn into a black, undulating mass that looks like a demon (seriously).

25. Moonwalkin’ on air: Stuck in an awkward situation? Just moonwalk away. People will think you’re walking towards them, but in reality, you’ll be moving in the opposite direction, and by the time they realize it, you’ll be too far gone for them to do anything about it.

Abraham Arthemius / Flickr

26. Right under your nose: Keys are a pain. They’re essential in your day-to-day life, but they’re so easy to lose. You can turn them into a fashion statement, though, with a nose piercing like the one below. You just have to hope no one tries to open a door from the other side as you try to unlock it.

27. Fabulous mucus: Nothing’s worse than having a cold and getting all your roommates or family members sick. You won’t have to worry about that if you just stuff glitter up your nose. Any time you sneeze, a plume of glitter will coat the space before you, leaving a perfect mark that others will know to avoid!

28. Screw it: Suiting up your car to drive in the winter can feel a little bit like locking up a prisoner for an eternity because you have to involve chains. Well, no longer! Jam screwdrivers into your tires to give them more traction than you know what to do with.

29. Always show officers your gun: Sometimes, when you’re packing heat, it’s a pain to get pulled over for speeding through a school zone. To save yourself the trouble of giving an officer probable cause to search your car, hold your gun like this so the officer knows you’ve got a gun. Make sure you employ good trigger discipline or else the officer might believe themselves to be in danger.

30. What do you sand to lose: Need a little motivation using the treadmill? Swap out the belt with some sandpaper for some added traction. If you stop running—even for a second—you can trip, fall, and scrape the entirety of your face off in a bloody mess!

Okay, obviously none of those were real pieces of advice. Still, they’re pretty hilarious (and some of them are relatable). We might just try the Christmas presents one this holiday season…

Share these ridiculous hacks with your friends below!